6 Soul Searching Questions You Need to Ask Yourself

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I'm currently reading Gail McMeekin's "The 12 Secrets of Highly Successful Women" and I just can't say enough about it.   It's one of those books that you read and reread throughout your life. The tag line is -- A Portable Life Coach for Creative Women -- and that is EXACTLY what it is.  

I had to share the following self-discovery questions with you from the book.  These aren't simple questions, so perhaps the best approach is to write them in your journal and dig in when you have some "me" time.  

1. What do you feel most ashamed about and how can you heal it?

2. If you were much braver, what challenges would you tackle this year?

3. What kinds of filters do you need in your life to screen out negative thoughts, people who are "downers", the media, the Internet, stress overload, and anything else that you need to protect yourself from?

4. What you have been putting off in your life that you want to do/be/have now?  How will you make that happen?

5. Have you thought about your legacy lately?  How do you want to make a difference?

6. Lastly, what self-imposed limitation do you need to dynamite through and free yourself from? 

One of the things that I've been putting off is my desire to write a book.  I tell myself that I have too much on my plate and I need to wait until the kids are older.  My kids are 9, 6 and 1 --  so you do the math.  Basically, I'm going to have a full plate for many years to come.  So, why wait?  Even if it takes me years to write it, my heart is calling me to start now.

What do you need to start now?  What's in your way?  I hope the questions above from Gail McMeekin's book will challenge you to think and grow.

How to Accept Constructive Criticism

Part of self-assessing is learning to accept constructive criticism. It’s easy to decide on our own what we think our flaws are, or where we have room for improvement. It’s a bit more difficult to accept ourselves as other people perceive us—especially when we don’t agree with what they see. 

Do you ever feel like people assign you flaws because they just don’t “get” you? It may be true that they don’t have a complete picture of your personality, but they can only go by the information you’ve given them. 

Let’s take the office, for example: I have a rather subdued personality—and my professional personality, even more subdued than that. In a sales driven environment where people equate “energy” with loud, fast-talking, hyper-excited behavior, I’m a bit of an anomaly. More often than not, my performance feedback includes notes on being more “energetic” and “excited about {my} projects”. I know that I’m excited about my projects, and that my energy is exerted in a creative fashion—that standout marketing pitch or beautifully written communication is living breathing proof of my energy (and thankfully my direct manager understands this as well). But some people don’t seem to get that. 

So how do we accept constructive criticism? We do just that—accept it. We listen, and take it in and consider for a moment, how we might “improve” in the given area, and we ask questions. Is there validity to this? How will this affect my career/family situation/friendships? Can I adjust this behavior without compromising my core values? 

Weigh the balance between what feels like your true self, and what the perception of you might be. Get honest with yourself; this is not an excuse to be lazy or to let yourself off the hook for things you know need to be changed. Accept that this is the perception, and then either acknowledge it as your own truth, and adjust; or relegate it to their opinion and lock it away in that place in your mind of detached awareness. If there is too much of a disparity between what they see and what you feel is true, it may be time to consider changing your environment, if possible. 

It is important to be aware of how we are perceived, and that’s why constructive criticism can be positive. Whether we agree or disagree, it gives us an opportunity to self-evaluate and to be more aware of how we are affecting others in our environment. 

Do you find value in constructive criticism? Or do you have a difficult time accepting it?

Notes for When You’re Feeling Emotionally Bankrupt

There are some times when you feel emotionally bankrupt. You don’t feel up, you don’t feel down…you just feel empty; or you don’t know what to feel. And often it’s difficult to pinpoint why you’re so out of it. 

It is natural for our emotions to ebb and flow—due to hormones, or change in weather or just being plain overwhelmed. There are several ways that we can slowly, but surely, refill our emotional tanks and avoid losing focus or becoming depressed:

Be still 

You can’t hear your inner guide if there’s too much external noise. Practice tuning out the world, and tuning into your inner awareness—this is where all the answers lie that will lead you to a place of fullness. 

Take it one day at a time 

If you are an over-planner, a multi-tasker or suffer from superwoman syndrome, this is especially important for you. Sometimes you have to live in the present. Stop planning, stop organizing, ignore your lists and focus on your emotional health. 

Acknowledge your dark as well as your light 

Everything in this Universe has an opposite. It is how balance is maintained. There’s nothing wrong with you if, from time to time, you feel a bit down. It is natural and necessary. You can’t heal until you acknowledge your feelings, discover the triggers for these feelings and fully explore ways to transform the area of your life that needs work. 

Exercise often and avoid alcohol 

Even if it’s just a walk around the block, exercise is important to emotional health. Endorphins have a counter-balancing effect to our other hormones; they can help lift us up out of a funk. Conversely alcohol generally has the effect of magnifying whatever it is we’re already feeling. Even if you’re hanging out with your girls (which is major emotional therapy in itself), be cognizant of how alcohol could have the potential to affect you after the girls have gone home and you’re left alone again with your feelings. 

Talk to an objective party 

Whether your mom, your best friend or your therapist, talk to someone about how you’re feeling. It’s important that this someone is an objective party who will not dictate answers to you based on their own experiences, but who will listen and help you to draw your own conclusions. No one else can do the work for you—the journey is all yours. 

Most importantly, remember that emotions are temporary. No matter what you’re feeling right now, you can turn it around. Don’t let a little bit of darkness cause you to forget that you are full of love and light. 

Reflection Exercise: Are You a People-Pleaser?

In my quest to reduce emotional clutter in my life and make the best use of my energy, I'm always looking to eliminate patterns and habits that are counterproductive to this goal.

In other words, I gotta get rid of some of this baggage, in order to make the most of my journey. Make sense?  To that end, this post is targeting one of my bad habits: People-Pleasing.

Many of us complain of being too busy or being pulled in too many different directions. Sound familiar? Often, if we really took a closer look, we'd find that many of the things we do are because we just didn't want to say no. Or perhaps your calendar is full of your own responsibilities but you don't want to ask for help because you don't want people to think you can't handle it all. 

Truthfully ask yourself: Do you always say what's on your mind? Do you ask for what you really want? Do you let people's opinions change your behavior? Your decisions? 

For me, the answer to all of these questions is SOMETIMES. And I'm not comfortable with that. It's great to be considerate of other people's feelings but to the extent that you deny your own volition - now, that's a problem. 

Here's what I know about abusive people-pleasing:

*When your actions are based on what you want other people to think about you, you're not being true to yourself. Furthermore, you're putting unnecessary strain on yourself. 

*No matter what you do, you simply cannot please everyone. 

*Seeking to please yourself and do what's best for you is not selfish. 

Saying no when you mean yes and yes when you mean no is not only misleading to others, but it also causes a build up of resentment inside of you. This resentment drains energy that could be used more productively.

A big part of what's created this pattern for me is my need to make everyone feel comfortable. I always feel overly responsible for how everyone around me is feeling. By nature, I care more about relationships than I do tasks and responsibilties. So my preoccupation with making sure everyone is happy makes sense to me. The only problem is, when I put everyone's feelings before my own, I end up feeling miserable. Fortunately, I've become passionate about having a peaceful mind and feeling content within myself, so I recognize this conditioned pattern and I'm changing it. 

If you want to simplify and enjoy your life more, take some time to consider if this habit is having a negative effect on you. First, identify it, then see what you can do to change this behavior. 

Here are some tips:

*Saying no can be difficult, but remember that often it's not what you say but how you say it.

*Likewise, asking for help is often difficult, but for that very reason it's more a sign of strength and awareness than a sign of weakness. 

*Speaking of awareness, make logical and realistic decisions about how you spend your time and energy. Don't overextend yourself in order to please others.

*Remember there's a time and place for everything. Be honest about how you feel, but choose your battles wisely.

Don't worry that people will stop liking you or misunderstand your intentions. You must first accept your reality in order for others to accept it. If your goal is do to everything with love and sincerity, then you must clearly articulate your true feelings. 

Upgrade Your Life: How to Become an Early Riser

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At any given time, I'm sure I could name at least ten things about my life that I would like to change.  Don't get me wrong - I appreciate my life and I focus more on what's right than what's wrong.  I know how important it is to be content with where I am right now.  But we're all works in progress and life is always willing to teach us more about what our strengths and weaknesses are.  It may sound contradictory - saying I want to change and be content with myself at the same time - but that's my reality.

There is always going to be some area of our lives that feels neglected.  And I've discovered that taking the time to pay attention to these neglected things, even in a small way, makes me feel more appreciative, more fulfilled and definitely more confident.

In this new series, "Upgrade Your Life", we'll give suggestions for how you can make small, gradual changes to impact your life in a big way.  No matter what it is you want to do, there are baby steps you can take to get there.

This first post is focused on How to  Become an Early Riser.  

I've never been a morning person.  Almost every morning is rushed and frantic.  I rarely have time to eat breakfast before I get to work.  I often find myself snapping at the kids and rushing them because I'm running late.  This pattern has been bothering me for awhile.

I often think about how I can steal away a little more time to myself.  It finally occurred to me that I need to start getting up earlier.  I want to have at least one hour to myself each morning to exercise, write, meditate or do whatever my heart desires before everyone gets up. This is a way for me to start the day with me, myself and I and get centered before I face the day.  This is no small task for me, as I've always been a late to bed, late to rise kind of person.  And yet I'm convinced that this change, daunting as it may seem, will be worth it.

Here's my 5 step plan:

1) Go to bed early enough to get X hours of sleep. You probably know how much sleep you need to function at your best.  I need about 7 hours most nights.  I can get away with 5 - 6 sometimes, but I try not to make a habit of that. If getting up early is a real priority, then you'll do what you have to do and make the necessary sacrifices to get to bed.  

2) Get up at the designated time no matter what.  To start off, I'm just focusing on getting up at 5 am.  I won't put any pressure on myself to get up and do this or do that.  This way I won't feel overwhelmed.  Just the effort of getting up at 5 am and staying up is an accomplishment for me. When I get up, I make myself leave my bedroom.  I keep an alarm next to my bed and one over by the door.  That way I can't rationalize as I continue to lay there in the warm bed.

3) Express the importance of this project to the family.  It's surprising how much support you get when you let it be known that you need it.  I told my family about this effort and how it was a serious thing for me, and they didn't laugh at me! When my alarm goes off now, my honey nudges me and tells me to get up. His support helps tremendously.

4) Focus on what you will get out of it.  When I say focus, I mean somewhat obsess over it.  I'm doodling "5 AM" all over my journal.  I'm writing about it.  I'm talking about it.  I'm thinking about how I will feel during that early morning hour to myself....what I'll do...how proud of myself I will be...how this morning treat will positively affect the rest of my day.

5)  Don't beat yourself up or give up when you oversleep.  Everyday last week I had the intention of getting up at 5 am and I didn't achieve it not once.  It was very discouraging but I kept trying.  This week has been much better.   I'm determined.  I want to prove to myself that I can set a small goal and be consistently focused on it until it becomes a real habit.  If I fall off for a day, I'm right back on it the next day, trying to get back on track.

Remember....

No matter how many mistakes we make or how slow we progress, we are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.  ~Author Unknown

How I've Learned to Deal with My Mother's Mental Illness

I grew up in a Christian household for most of my life until early in my teen years, my mother became disillusioned with Christianity and began exploring other religions.  One of the first changes I remember is that we started observing the Sabbath from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday.  I later came to understand that my mother (and therefore I) had adopted the faith of Judaism.  We didn't eat dairy products or meat on the same day or on the same plates.   There were so many changes almost overnight, and I didn't understand where these drastic changes were coming from.  I was so embarrassed by my new lifestyle and I hid it from my friends as much as possible.  

My mother's unpredictable behavior was brought on by a mental illness that was undiagnosed at that time.  Like most teenagers, I just wanted to fit in with everyone else but my mother's mounting emotional issues and religious confusion had a huge impact on me and made me feel like my life was anything but ordinary.  I struggled with all of this as an adolescent trying to figure out life and my place in it.

So why am I telling you all this?   

Because over the years I've come to appreciate that my unique experiences have added to my character and not detracted from it as I once thought.  Most of us have some aspects of our lives that we are ashamed of or that we feel have damaged us in some way.

I want you to know that no matter what you've been through or how bad it seemed at the time, you don't have to cling to the idea that your experiences have broken you.   Everyone has a cross to bear.  Everyone is dealing with something - no matter how perfect their lives may seem.    We all have disappointments and regret.  

To this day, I feel rather isolated when I see my friends with their mothers bonding over motherhood and grown woman things.  It's not like my mother has passed away, but mentally and emotionally she's not a presence in my life because of her illness.  I still wonder, "Why does my mom have to be sick?  Why can't I have a normal relationship with her?"

Are you struggling to accept something from your past or present that you can't change?   Do you feel isolated or unfavored in some way because of the cards you've been dealt?  Consider the following:

Whatever you have been through in life, please realize that challenges aren't meant to punish us. They are meant to make us more loving, more faithful and and more aware that there is more going on than what meets the eye. How could we ever appreciate beauty if we never saw pain? Or how could we empathize with anyone, if we never went through our own struggles?

Remember, everything makes you more.  Please share your thoughts in the comments.

Why You Should Stop Existing and Live in the Now

In this month's guest post, Pastor/Professor Lawrence Ware urges us to live, rather than simply existing.

Every morning, upon waking, Alexander the Great would have his servants tell him: One day soon you will die. This was not because Alexander the Great was morbid—for him, it was inspirational.

Dear reader, allow this to be a wake up call. Rich or poor, famous or a part of the hoi polloi, we all have a common denominator: death.

We like to think that the world will end without us. Once we are gone, we think that the Earth will stop rotating. The sky will darken. The world will freeze over.

It does not happen that way.

When we die, people will cry. They will be sad. They will post Facebook status messages about how we all need to value life—live each moment like it is our last. People will write on your Facebook wall and say how much they miss you. Silliness like “God needed another angel…” will be said—as if God needed anything. They will have your funeral, cry, and people will talk too long during the time for remarks. After it is all done, we will return to our lives; happens every time. 

Why am I meditating upon death; because I want you to live. Not exist, live. 

Do not live in the future. Do not put things off. Stop procrastinating. 

Take that trip. Go back to school. If you love them, tell them. Notice the little things: the sound of laughter, the smell of spring, the feel of cold. 

Live. 

Death is certain. We do not know when, and we do not know where. All you have is this moment. 

Right now: are you awake to life? Or are you just existing in it; suffering through. If so, then it is time to wake up.